I am stuck in the middle of an internal tug of war. Do I hate my body, or do I adore?
I'm spending my money on caffeinated drinks in an effort to stay awake.. I can't seem to fight off this eternal exhaustion. Running and clawing towards the end that never seems achievable in a desperate attempt to stay above water. I am stuck in a hypocritical state of mind; a paradox of self esteem. Every time I begin to love myself or feel confident in my skin, the creeping insecurity drives me back to my insane security in the lack thereof. Is it a lie to say I love my body when I am constantly fearful that you won't love it back? Am I a disaster to analyze my flaws and curves with the judgmental eyes of a future lover? I could blame society, I could blame my own need for perfection. I could blame myself for my being overweight, or I could blame the insecurity that force fed it; endless. But where does blame lie, and why, and over what weight? Who is to decide what the standard is for the extra skin that rests on my stomach? I am driven by an ever sensitive need to be pretty. I act angry and attempt to smash patriarchy, sexism, and negative body image through my words, yet my actions fall short.
I am fighting with myself, an internal war. Do I hate, or do I adore?
I am beginning artistic research for a future studio piece on body image as it affects society, and vice versa. I am developing an attraction to images that use people as a subject without putting the focus on the people; they are a prop, an interesting balance of contrast and line. Similar to the way we judge worth on appearance, yet, at the same time, we ignore these personal details.
I'm tired of being in love with a world I can't have. Interpret that how you will, as I can't really pin it down to a singular concept in particular. I have such strong feelings and illusions towards aspects of my life and my subconscious that can never manifest themselves into reality.
I am endlessly tired, yet trying to appear strong. Summer nights are almost here.
I'll be back soon.