I am stuck in the middle of an internal tug of war. Do I hate my body, or do I adore?
I'm spending my money on caffeinated drinks in an effort to stay awake.. I can't seem to fight off this eternal exhaustion. Running and clawing towards the end that never seems achievable in a desperate attempt to stay above water. I am stuck in a hypocritical state of mind; a paradox of self esteem. Every time I begin to love myself or feel confident in my skin, the creeping insecurity drives me back to my insane security in the lack thereof. Is it a lie to say I love my body when I am constantly fearful that you won't love it back? Am I a disaster to analyze my flaws and curves with the judgmental eyes of a future lover? I could blame society, I could blame my own need for perfection. I could blame myself for my being overweight, or I could blame the insecurity that force fed it; endless. But where does blame lie, and why, and over what weight? Who is to decide what the standard is for the extra skin that rests on my stomach? I am driven by an ever sensitive need to be pretty. I act angry and attempt to smash patriarchy, sexism, and negative body image through my words, yet my actions fall short.
I am fighting with myself, an internal war. Do I hate, or do I adore?
I am beginning artistic research for a future studio piece on body image as it affects society, and vice versa. I am developing an attraction to images that use people as a subject without putting the focus on the people; they are a prop, an interesting balance of contrast and line. Similar to the way we judge worth on appearance, yet, at the same time, we ignore these personal details.
I'm tired of being in love with a world I can't have. Interpret that how you will, as I can't really pin it down to a singular concept in particular. I have such strong feelings and illusions towards aspects of my life and my subconscious that can never manifest themselves into reality.
I am endlessly tired, yet trying to appear strong. Summer nights are almost here.
I'll be back soon.
Maddie.
9 comments:
ugh preach girl! i'm definitely on this party train right now!
i think your project sounds A-MAZING. obsessing over the concept!!
I've had an eating disorder in the past, and in the past few weeks it's been knocking at my door again. This post just described me perfectly.
The Project sounds amazing and I love the concept.
xx
Hey thanks for the nice comment! For my bangs I just blow dry them with a flat brush, then I usually run a straight iron over them, so they don't wave! That's it! :)
Your project sounds very interesting! I feel the same as you do in the last paragraph, but I'm seriously trying to change things and make things happen!
Good luck!
~Caitlin
This is really beautiful. I love it. It's OK for people to want to be pretty, but it isn't ok for people to to obsess and go to extreme measures that put their health, and more importantly, their happiness at risk. I also love these photos. They are really simple, but so much is in them somehow. Keep it up grrl, I'll be fighting for you. Like you are for me with my happiness project.
i love this. a lot. especially after everything i've seen with anorexia, body dysmorphic disorder, binge eating disorder.. you're wonderful, maddie.
i saw this and thought of you. http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=610
Loved the reading sweets.... What you think of yourself is what matters. You know it!! Peoples opinions we can never escape - we can only be in control of our own. Focus on those and you will be fine ;))
Everyone is insecure, regardless of weight or superficial "perfection". You can only be the best YOU can be and no one else will ever be more beautiful or better at it. I used to be 10 kg's lighter but I was never ever happy with myself!! I always always find something wrong with my body and finally had to realize it's not my body - but my mind that has all those flaws....so now I'm working on those....makes me feel a lot better!! xox
if you need any information about anorexia, obsessive compulsive disorder, dermotillomania, body dysmorphic disorder, or binge eating disorder feel free to ask! <3 i want to be able to support this project as much as possible.
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