The Falsity of Human Confidence.

I am stuck in the middle of an internal tug of war. Do I hate my body, or do I adore?

I'm spending my money on caffeinated drinks in an effort to stay awake.. I can't seem to fight off this eternal exhaustion. Running and clawing towards the end that never seems achievable in a desperate attempt to stay above water. I am stuck in a hypocritical state of mind; a paradox of self esteem. Every time I begin to love myself or feel confident in my skin, the creeping insecurity drives me back to my insane security in the lack thereof. Is it a lie to say I love my body when I am constantly fearful that you won't love it back? Am I a disaster to analyze my flaws and curves with the judgmental eyes of a future lover? I could blame society, I could blame my own need for perfection. I could blame myself for my being overweight, or I could blame the insecurity that force fed it; endless. But where does blame lie, and why, and over what weight? Who is to decide what the standard is for the extra skin that rests on my stomach? I am driven by an ever sensitive need to be pretty. I act angry and attempt to smash patriarchy, sexism, and negative body image through my words, yet my actions fall short.

I am fighting with myself, an internal war. Do I hate, or do I adore?

I am beginning artistic research for a future studio piece on body image as it affects society, and vice versa. I am developing an attraction to images that use people as a subject without putting the focus on the people; they are a prop, an interesting balance of contrast and line. Similar to the way we judge worth on appearance, yet, at the same time, we ignore these personal details.

I'm tired of being in love with a world I can't have. Interpret that how you will, as I can't really pin it down to a singular concept in particular. I have such strong feelings and illusions towards aspects of my life and my subconscious that can never manifest themselves into reality.

I am endlessly tired, yet trying to appear strong. Summer nights are almost here.

I'll be back soon.

Maddie.

Always the Hours.

"That is what we do. That is what people do. They stay alive for each other."

"To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Always the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the hours."

"I wanted to write about it all. Everything that happens in a moment! The way the flowers looked when you carried them in your arms; this towel, how it smells, how it feels, its thread; all our feelings, yours and mine; the history of it. Who we once were; everything in the world. Everything all mixed up. Like it's all mixed up now. And I failed. I failed. No matter where you start with it, it ends up being so much less. Sheer pride. And stupidity. We want everything. Don't we?"

Little girl: What happens when we die?

Virginia: What happens? We return to the place we came from.

Little girl: I don't remember where I came from.

Virginia: Nor do I.

-The Hours

Happy Birthday, Courtney.

Happy birthday to the greatest girl I know. You are the best friend a girl could ever ask for. Happy seventeenth, darling.

xoxo, Maddie

Weekly Musings: Catching Up!

I have been a really terrible blogger over the past couple of weeks, and I really want to apologize. I promise I have returned, fully energized and ready to dive in once again. I spent the afternoon tweaking the layout of this blog + attempting to create a more fresh, energized look. In the meantime, in my absence I had completely ceased Weekly Musings, and I am finally starting it back up again! The post you're about to divulge is filled with an exciting summary of the last few weeks. (The images you're seeing are a sampling of my work from the pre-college photography lab I attended last weekend at the Kansas City Art Institute! More on that later.)

The release of Missfits. I'm sure you're probably sick of hearing about it, but I was beyond excited for the release of our second issue on March 1st. I feel it is the fruit of our back-breaking labor and lack of sleep, and I love the way it turned out. My favorite part of all of this is the community we are creating; I have received countless emails from amazingly talented young women who like what they're seeing, and I couldn't be more blessed. Thank you.

New friends. Over the past month or so, my group has expanded to include a few new amazing people. I've been spending a lot of time with these cool cats lately, and they are such a refreshing addition to my life. Nothing like mingling with groovy new people!

Kansas City Art Institute's PCAL. (Pre College Art Lab) As you know, I spent the weekend at the local art institute with Courtney, where she studied fashion and I studied photography. I had a really great group of instructors, and I learned so much in only two days. We were challenged to create two to three narrative series that illicit emotion or curiosity from within the viewer, as well as convey a story. The photos within this post are my first series. Interpret them how you choose! We also experienced a nude life drawing class; it was honestly the most helpful three hours of my art career thus far. Our instructor was inexplicably helpful, and I learned so much.

Spring Break, baby! I mentioned before that spring break started last Friday for me. I have watched countless films, (I would highly recommend both Milk and The Hours), eaten delicious food on a picnic, cuddled with cute people, used an entire tank of gas, shopped, consumed ridiculous amounts of trail mix, pie, Chinese food, and iced mochas, and enjoyed my sleep. I have three more days left, too! (Then ten weeks until summer!!)

Honorable mentions. Sharing a pizza and cuddling with fabulous people. Getting my math grade up to a B-. Tweaking my blog layout. Organizing my room for spring. Getting called beautiful and being told that I have "adorable facial structure." Sharing pie with an excellent young lady. Finding new settings on my camera. Learning more and more about dorky photography things like depth of field and the rule of three's. Cute museum security guards. Art class field trips.

xoxo, Maddie

There's Beauty in the Breakdown.

After a stressful couple of weeks, I have finally reached peace. It is now officially spring break, and I am beyond relieved. This morning I took an essay exam in history class, gave an oral presentation in English, and finished a painting for a deadline in art class. I feel accomplished and organized. Tonight I am going to sip warm coffee and laugh with some of my very favorite people.

I am hoping that spring break will give me time to regroup and clear my head so I am able to focus more on my goals and resolutions. Tomorrow and Sunday I will be living on campus at a local art institute for a pre-college photography lab, which I am ridiculously excited about. The lovely Courtney will be rooming with me while she studies fashion. I am looking forward to organizing my room and my life, working on the next issue of Missfits, painting, snapping photographs, and enjoying life in peaceful bliss.

Enjoy your weekend, everyone. I will return to regularly scheduled posting this week.

xoxo, Maddie

Missfits Issue 2 Now Available in Print!

Missfits Magazine Issue 2:

Spring 2011

By Maddie Maschger in Fashion & Style

The Art Issue. Featuring an interview with the infamous Guerrilla Girls, the amazingly talented Gemma Correll, Kansas City based artist Lisa Lala, and more. We are the alternative; We are a feminist fashion magazine that focuses not only on haute couture, but empowerment. We are an open collaboration of young women. We are the nonconformists. We are Missfits.

Issue 2 of Missfits Magazine is now available for purchase in print! Each issue costs $14. Unfortunately, it is a bit pricier than our last issue, as it has double the content and therefore cost more to publish. However, I can guarantee that you won't be disappointed.

Thank you for your support, as always!

Maddie

February in Review.

image from weheartit

February. Fevrier. Februar.

To be perfectly honest with everyone, this month brought a lot of disappointment, stress, and steps backwards. I look forward to March with hopeful initiative, but February was one of those months that I am simply happy to put behind me.

Highlights. I finished the second issue of Missfits, though it wasn't released until March 1st. I've also kept strong to most of my monthly objectives, with the exception of not eating processed foods. I threw paint at my friends in a field and snapped photographs, skipped Courtwarming for roller derby, held an Anti Valentines Day party, was accepted into National Honors Society and Girls State, and drank coffee as usual with people I love and admire.

Downfalls. I was broke for most of the month due to my lack of real job outside photography (shoots are a bit slow in the winter) so I had to borrow money from friends most of the times we went out. I also consumed a lot of processed food amidst my extremely hectic school stress and personal regression.

Objectives for March. I am beyond excited for March and am hoping to hop back onto the bandwagon as far as health and wellness are concerned! I want to spend a lot of time doing research on the law of attraction and the power of positive thinking, and more time working out.

• Read more often. This was one of my goals for February that unfortunately got pushed aside because of school work. I really want to make it a priority in March.
• Keep up my routine of avoiding fast food and processed food, and drink water more regularly like in January.
• Create an envelope system of spending to avoid wasting money. I am going to set aside $20 in a jar each time I am paid to do a photo shoot; this money will become my winter fund for when I am broke--an emergency stash, if you will. I am then going to separate the remaining money into envelopes for each month--one for gasoline, and whatever else is left into spending money. That way, I can use the spending money without guilt, knowing I am fully prepared to pay for the things I have to pay for.
• I actually want to incorporate fitness into my daily life. I've been slacking a lot, which is super lame.
• Spend less time on the internet and more time enjoying life.

I really want to create a habitual schedule for myself of coming home and immediately completing homework, then reading for an hour, then a work out of some kind, followed by free time for the rest of the evening.

What are your objectives for March, and how was your February?

xoxo, Maddie

I'll Be Back.

I just wanted everyone to know that I will return to scheduled posting very soon. I have had an incredibly stressful week, what with school work and the release of Missfits, but things are clearing up! I am taking the weekend off to clear my head and relax, but I will write a February in Review post and have it up by Monday. Thank you for your patience in all of this.

xoxo, Maddie

In the mean time, you can go 'like' Missfits on Facebook to receive updates and chat with fellow readers! Spread the word!

Missfits Magazine: Issue 2!

Introducing our second issue of Missfits! We are so thrilled to release our second issue, after hours of work (glitter, sweat, and tears) and tons of amazing submissions. This issue features the famous activists Guerilla Girls, the incredibly talented Gemma Correll, Kansas City based artist Lisa Lala, the riot grrrl inspiration of Rebecca Artemisa, and so many more.

xoxo, Maddie