Polina Sova by Jason Ell / Stylist Magazine
I am at a crossroads. I am running towards the future and fleeing it in fear. I apologize for my lack of posts-- I have been readjusting myself to the school year and I am slowly beginning to settle back into the routine.
I have been running every evening and eating healthy foods. I have to get eye glasses. I have begun to compulsively chew apple pie gum. My easy classes have become a source of relaxation, yet the empty curriculum makes the days pass all too slow. Huge projects and exciting developments consume my time. I spend Saturdays at my new job as a cashier in a children's bookstore.
Every single second seems reckless, almost wasteful. I haven't any idea what to do with my life or where I want to go. Sometimes I just want to rest for a long period of time. Months of peace, hibernation. Apart from anyone but myself, meditating and discovering who it is that I am. I think it is ridiculous that we are expected to choose a career at such a young age and commit to it for all our lives. I have higher expectations. I fear the ticking time bomb, the moment where those expectations are shattered for a twisted, grown-up reality. I am growing tired of the same old pain, relentless. I am growing tired of fighting it off.
It isn't to say that I am unhappy. More thoughtful and somber, if you will. These weekends pass peacefully and quickly, full of moments of raw existence. Thrilled to be alive.
I wish nothing but the best for you.