We shed what was left of our summer skin.

Polina Sova by Jason Ell / Stylist Magazine

I am at a crossroads. I am running towards the future and fleeing it in fear. I apologize for my lack of posts-- I have been readjusting myself to the school year and I am slowly beginning to settle back into the routine.

I have been running every evening and eating healthy foods. I have to get eye glasses. I have begun to compulsively chew apple pie gum. My easy classes have become a source of relaxation, yet the empty curriculum makes the days pass all too slow. Huge projects and exciting developments consume my time. I spend Saturdays at my new job as a cashier in a children's bookstore.

Every single second seems reckless, almost wasteful. I haven't any idea what to do with my life or where I want to go. Sometimes I just want to rest for a long period of time. Months of peace, hibernation. Apart from anyone but myself, meditating and discovering who it is that I am. I think it is ridiculous that we are expected to choose a career at such a young age and commit to it for all our lives. I have higher expectations. I fear the ticking time bomb, the moment where those expectations are shattered for a twisted, grown-up reality. I am growing tired of the same old pain, relentless. I am growing tired of fighting it off.

It isn't to say that I am unhappy. More thoughtful and somber, if you will. These weekends pass peacefully and quickly, full of moments of raw existence. Thrilled to be alive.

I wish nothing but the best for you.

Maddie

Return to Academia.

Today was my last first day of school and the beginning of my senior year. I have mostly easy classes this year, which will be such a nice change from previous years. In fact, my schedule basically consists of sociology, english, history, and art classes. To be completely honest, I feel a bit guilty for taking such easy classes. But at the same time, I want to take advantage of the free time. I've decided to completely devote myself to my art classes and spend any free time creating art, reading, running, or napping. This will be the year I apply for colleges, and I really want to figure out who I am and where exactly I'm going.

It seems so odd that summer is over. It was honestly one of the best summers of my entire life, and it seemed like school had been out forever. It felt like a really wonderful dream, and this morning we had to wake up to reality. As my alarm clock went off, it felt like the long months of vacation had been nothing but a short weekend. It's strange how the perspective of time changes.

Enjoy the video. These were my favorite memories made set to the brilliant new Coldplay single (so stoked for their new album)!

xo, Maddie.